Friends

What it means to “Just Be Yourself”

How many times do you hear the advice, “Just be yourself” uttered as if it’s a magical solution to all social woes? If I could be given a pound every time I hear or see that advice doled out to a Fresher…

How can I succeed socially? What do I need to do to fit in? “Just be yourself” is the key, apparently.

In a way the advice is good, but it’s pretty meaningless in isolation. People don’t act the same in front of everyone, so does that mean we don’t practice the advice? Can you be anything but yourself? Are you expected to become a two-dimensional character with only one persona?

photo by Denise Carbonell

A better way to think of the advice “Just be yourself” is this:

“Be Genuine”

To be genuine is to do the things you believe in and want to be accepted for. There’s no need to pretend that you like something you don’t. You don’t have to try and act tough, or loud, or quiet, if that isn’t how you want to act. At university, anyone who won’t accept you as a person with a unique personality is someone not worth your time.

So it is wise to be yourself, but you have to understand what being yourself truly means. You don’t act the same way in a study group as you would with a family member. Likewise, you wouldn’t speak to most lecturers the same way you’d speak to your best mate.

And that’s how it should be. Altering your actions between different people doesn’t mean you’re rude to one lot and not the other. It doesn’t mean you tell one person what you believe in and then tell someone else that you believe the exact opposite. It’s about relating to others with a genuine approach.

Firstly, how can you be genuine?

Don’t worry about what other people think – Respect the opinions of others, but don’t let them push you in a different direction if you don’t agree;
Don’t compare yourself to other people – It’s difficult enough understanding how you’ve reached your own position in life, so how could you work out anyone else’s? Someone else may look more successful than you, but they may have problems you can’t even imagine. And there are probably people out there who think you’ve got it made, when they don’t know the half of it. Comparisons are pointless, because you don’t have all the information;
Listen to yourself – Be positive about your likes and dislikes. Work out what interests you and what makes you happy to wake up every morning. It all goes toward your individual personality. You don’t have to be or do anything you don’t want to. So listen to what you love and enjoy each day striving for more of those things;
Accept when you’re wrong – Nobody is perfect, so take the rough with the smooth;
Be open – You don’t have to tell everyone every last detail about your life. There are people who, when I met them for the first time, decided to tell me all sorts of private (and sometimes, upsetting) detail of their life so far. That’s not the point of being open. An open attitude is when you don’t hide behind a façade, when you don’t hold back from what you enjoy.

A genuine personality takes the situation in front of them, stays constant in what they believe, states their true opinions, and gives the same respect to everyone, but does this in varying ways. The trick is having the confidence to interact with many different people in ways that they can relate to, while you maintain your own personal views.

Which brings us to the second question. How do you relate to others?

Listen – People like to talk about themselves and they like to answer questions. So stop talking so much, start listening and ask a few questions. This alone is a big deal.
Respect – Not everybody is like you. It’s fine to respectfully disagree with another person’s views. Respect helps relations. You don’t need to dismiss someone because they don’t agree with you. And vice versa!
Be humble – Modesty and courtesy can go a long way. Whether you’re crazy and loud, or quiet and reserved, be who you want so long as you accept that others can be too. There’s no need to compete or outshine others. If others want to compete, let them do that while you go elsewhere to have some proper fun.

Don’t hold back. Have the strength to be genuine and situations are easier to deal with, not more difficult. Acceptance comes more freely when you’re happy to fight your corner.

photo by artschoolgirl27

Keeping in touch with…

Friends and family are important. We all know that. One of the best things to come out of university is the beginning of wonderful lifelong friendships. By the time your degree is finished, you realise that you’ve discovered some sublime friendships that make you smile just to think about them.

Good news is, you might live longer for having these friends too! So it’s important to keep in contact and regularly communicate for their sake AND yours.

photo by svilen001

But you shouldn’t only keep in contact with your close uni friends. You’ve got friends from home to think of, family to keep in the loop, and networking peeps to stay involved with. And you can go further than point someone toward your online status updates! Here are some basic tips to guide your way to keeping in touch with all these people.

Home friends

1. Let them know when you’re coming home to visit – Perhaps your friends are also elsewhere at uni. Finding out when you’re all available makes meeting up so much easier. Then again, I know some of the impromptu evenings can be the best nights out. Whatever you think is best!
2. Plan ahead – Same as above, it’s worth getting a few plans under your belt so you don’t waste valuable time when you’re back home.
3. Send the occasional personal update over your usual Facebook updates – We’re suckers for letters and postcards. I’ll be honest, I didn’t send anywhere near enough brief postcards, which is shocking…there’s usually a load of great postcards around the Student Union and you don’t then have to write much to make someone really, really happy.
4. Invite them to visit you at uni – You probably already have done this. I only mention it because I know of at least one person who didn’t consider it until later on in their course. A simple idea, but not always thought up when you’re treating uni life and home life as two very different things.

Close uni friends

Over the long holiday periods (and after you graduate), you won’t keep the same level as contact with your close friends as you did when they were on your doorstep. No matter! Give them a call or write a letter. The personal touch goes much further than an e-mail or IM and you know your friends will be glad to hear from you like this.

After you graduate, contact can reduce even further, but that doesn’t matter. Keeping in touch with these close friends shouldn’t be a chore and it should be easy to strike the fire back up from the moment you start spending time with them again.

Don’t worry (or get angry) if some of your close friends are rubbish at keeping in contact. Life’s too short. If you’re better at it, give yourself a private pat on the back and move on. Anyway, does it really matter? One of my best friends is hopeless at keeping in contact and we can go months without any contact. But when we meet up after a zillion years (give or take a day) it’s as if we saw each other last week. I’ve stopped worrying that I need to keep in regular contact…I can spend my time on others who need the communication more.

Your other uni mates

During the holiday periods, you can still keep in contact via Facebook, et al. Don’t worry about doing much more than this unless you really want to. If any of your friends decide to contact you in a more personal manner, try to reciprocate and show that the friendship works both ways (if it really does, of course!). Perhaps your friendship will grow closer due to contact outside of termtime…it’s all possible!

After your degree, work out which of these friends you’d like to remain in more regular contact with. If you don’t pay attention right away, memories will dwindle and – as each day passes – attempts to reunite are more difficult to engineer.

photo by woodsy

Family

1. Give them a ring. If nothing else, a phone call will give your family just enough information to keep them in the loop and feel like you still care.
2. Arrange your home visits in advance. This needn’t just be with your Mum and Dad. Let your aunts and uncles, your grandparents, and your extended family know. They’ll want to know how you are and arranging visits when you are around means you don’t have to think about keeping in contact so much while you’re away at uni.
3. Suggest they come to see you. While this isn’t always feasible, some family members will love the invitation and may not have wanted to suggest visiting themselves. Job done!
4. Write! Even if it’s not a handwritten essay, a short typed letter will go a lot further than an e-mail.

Networking contacts and acquaintances

1. Don’t sweat it. Spend whatever time you want/can on others. If you’re buckling under the pressure for whatever reason, stop trying so hard.
2. Send on links/articles/news that you think could be relevant to them. Mention that you saw it and thought they’d be interested.
3. Don’t spend too long on lengthy messages. Keep it short. If you want to catch up, just say that and mention a couple of the most important events in your recent life. If they want to catch up too, a continuing conversation will no doubt ensue.
4. Ask questions. It’s not all ME, ME, ME! Find out how they are too. No matter if you’re asking a favour, it’s impolite not to engage in a bit of polite catch-up querying.

This post only skims the surface of what you can do to keep in contact with everyone. If you have any advice or suggestions, please do let us know in the comments below!

photo by scyza

Living with others: Be the genuine article

For those of us who have lived with others as students, it might feel like a study of the bleedin’ obvious. For those of you about to embark upon your first stint in halls, dorms, flats and shared houses, it might help you get some perspective.

Recently published research by psychologists in the University of Michigan suggests that new students are more likely to feel lonely in shared accommodation when they first arrive, compared with 10 weeks later. The people most likely to get a social relationship boost over the weeks are the more genuine people who aren’t so self-concerned.

Even to those of you who haven’t yet embarked upon shared housing, you might think the research sounds pretty obvious.

Nevertheless, I think that good points are made, especially the need for students to make a positive start to their relationships. This is done not by trying to look impressive, but is about supporting others and maintaining a focus of care. Psychologist Jennifer Crocker states, “students can be the architects of their roommate relationships, enhancing or undermining the quality of these important relationships”.

I read about this first in The Situationist; a social/psychological site that I heartily recommend. The main research paper is published in the September 2008 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. I can only find the August edition of the journal, so I haven’t had chance to read the paper yet. The research investigates how students felt about relationships and how they developed over time in their new surroundings.

Those of us who have already spent some time living with other students will probably understand how it feels to be thrown into a new place with so many different people, while none of you have got your bearings yet. Scary and brilliant at the same time. No wonder it’s an equally good source of great friendships and brewing trouble!

My first couple of days at university were typically a bit apprehensive. I didn’t feel settled in and I wasn’t too happy about that. The people I socialised with on my first couple of days were so different to me that I wondered if I’d chosen the right university. But I was lucky enough to feel a lot better by about Day 3. Settling in isn’t always that quick, but even those who took a bit longer to build friendships managed to feel a lot happier pretty quickly.

However, the students who put on a front and tried to act away from their true personalities suffered badly and found it difficult to recover.

Jennifer Crocker and Amy Canevello’s research also found that students who put on this front to protect their own self-image and look good are less likely to find improved relationships between housemates. Crocker refers to this issue as an ‘ego-system’ approach.

I can fully understand why some students want to do this, but it’s definitely the wrong approach. Putting on a bit of a show in order to attract others is a short-term approach, so it doesn’t work in the long-term situation of Higher Education.

The good news is that there are enough people around that even those who put on a front can move on and find other friends with their true personality and some real caring.

The upshot is this. When everyone is in the same situation and making new experiences as they go along, it’s a mistake to try and walk the walk when nobody knows what the walk is yet. At some point, the charade will be clear to everyone watching and relationships can suffer as a result.

Building a true relationship is about genuine care, genuine trust, genuine sympathy and empathy, and genuine support.

For those of you soon to land upon campus with all the other Freshers, don’t try to be someone you’re not. The journey you’re about to take is meant to help you find out exactly who you are! Take interest in everyone around you and you’re bound to find like-minded people who you can share fantastic experiences with as you go through your degree.

11 Ways to Help Build New Friendships

Many friendships occur when you’re placed in new situations. At school, you didn’t ask to be put in class with those other kids. But you made the most of the situation and found friendships among the people you were placed with. This type of thing happens throughout life, at university, in employment, and so on.

But you needn’t limit yourself to the people you’re forced to interact with. There are billions of other people in the world (and on campus!). The more you interact, the more you can network and the more you can develop relationships that will make a positive impact upon your life. Who knows where they could take you?

photo by NataliaEnvy

Some people seem to find building new friendships effortless. Their charisma and charm guide them to success from nothing. If you’re already at uni, you probably know at least one person who seems to know EVERYBODY! Maybe you hope that one day you could approach others with just as much ease and success. Well, I’m sure you already can. With a few conversation ideas and the tips below, you can improve the interaction with whoever you choose to engage with. Let’s explore 11 ways to engage positively: