Stay Close In Your Long Distance Relationship

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) require commitment and work. That’s the obvious bit. But how do you do it?

photo by Robby Ryke

photo by Robby Ryke

I had a great LDR, despite being at a uni with six or seven females for every one male. If I hadn’t been interested in my relationship working out, it definitely wouldn’t have worked out!

At times like these, you have to assess what you truly want. The moment you’re not 100% happy with the idea is the moment you will wander off. Be clear from the outset for your own sake as well as for everyone else.

Writing about LDRs for Norwich student paper The Tab, Rachel Moss has some great advice. With lots of Skype, FaceTime, and Facebook available, it’s easier than ever for you to contact loved ones. But, as Moss says, you have to both want the relationship to work. And it’s not worth constantly checking their social networks or freaking out the second you don’t hear from them when you expect it:

“Stop being a Facebook stalker. It’s easy to overanalyse photos/statuses and think that your partner is having more fun without you. Step away from the laptop and have some fun of your own!”

Paranoia is pointless and needy is unnecessary. Natural development is much smoother. And if things are sadly not working out, you’ll see other signs of it without having to seek them out and panic at every last word uttered. Sometimes the paranoia and constant contact can be the main cause of discomfort.

My LDR started when I went off to university. Moss says her relationship started at uni and her boyfriend graduated. However your LDR begins, it’s best to deal with the situation up front, rather than vaguely ‘see how it goes’.

Are you in a long-distance relationship? Here are a few more of my own tips:

  • Let life without you (and life without him/her) continue – You’re allowed to have fun. So is your partner. Just because you aren’t in each other’s pockets doesn’t mean you have to mope around until you next see them. And you shouldn’t expect that of your partner either. If they’re having an amazing time, that’s great. It’s nothing to do with you being somewhere else. Would you wish unhappiness on your other half? Of course not!
  • Don’t fix the same time to contact each day/week – Life is full of plans. If you’re expected to drop everything at a particular time no matter what, that’s a big ask. When one of you has other plans and has to get out of that contact, it can feel like a slap in the face, especially if the other one of you is at a loose end. Be flexible.
    And if you must have a fixed time for contact for some reason, discuss in advance how you’ll deal with things when you’re not both available at that time. Remember, it’s all about communication.
  • Focus on the relationship, not the distance – As I said above, it’s easier to contact than ever. You can now talk face to face, regardless of your location. Concentrate on the importance of your relationship and you might as well be in the same room.

You can blame distance when things go wrong; it’s an easy option, because distance is a challenge. But it’s not the only challenge. You don’t have to build up being apart as a problem in itself, even though it’s hard to be away from someone you care about that much. I was head-over-heels in love. Three years away at university didn’t stop that.

Like Moss explains, when you’re both “on the same page about giving it a go”, it doesn’t matter whether you’re on the other side of the world or in the house next door. You’ve already decided not to measure your relationship in miles.

What have I missed? Share your own long-distance experiences and tips in the comments below.

Accept What You Don’t Know As Quickly As Possible

James Moos, a Computer Forensics student at the University of Glamorgan, has a simple and effective tip for when you’re making notes in lectures:

“If there’s a word or phrase you don’t understand in the lecture, write it down and look it up when you get home, and add it to your notes. It reduces that panicky feeling of not understanding anything!”

Yup. It’s that simple.

Not everything is obvious straight away (photo by Doug88888)

Not everything is obvious straight away (photo by Doug88888)

When you hear a word or a concept that makes no sense, you can do one of two things:

  1. You stop what you’re doing and feel confused. In the end, you miss more of the lecture;
    OR
  2. You happily note down what you don’t understand to look up later at your own convenience.

Eliminate the panic and stay focused. Do number 2!

The next time you don’t get something, acknowledge it and deal with it later. It’s the best way to stop your mind from wandering and to keep your confidence intact.

Online Search: Be the 2%

In the book Positive Linking, Paul Ormerod says that the top 3 items on a Google search account for 98% of clicks. The top 1 item, the top result that comes back, accounts for 60% of clicks.

If almost every click occurs in the first three results, Google could go as far as leaving just 4 results on a page and almost nobody would notice. There may even be a slight upward trend in users clicking that fourth link, “just in case”.

Four results to a page may even become a reality. SERoundTable reported that Google are testing that four result option, among other combinations.

One reason why so many clicks are on the first result is because many people search for a site through Google when they know the web address anyway. For instance, a Google search for Facebook is done a lot of the time instead of actually typing facebook.com in a web browser.

When logged in to Google, you have the option to ask for more results per page. Check the preferences page to alter what comes through. I currently have Google set to give me 50 results to a page. If Google took that option away and only allowed four results to a page, I’d be hugely frustrated.

What if Google made every first search a 4-result page and made each subsequent page a 50-result page (or whatever you preferred)? I’d probably still be frustrated, because many of my searches rely on more than the first few results. I’d probably learn to live with it though.

Phil Bradley wonders if Google are looking to get more advertising coverage with fewer results to a page. Whether or not this is the case, this will impact power users than average users.

Keep on searching (photo by gerlos)

Keep on searching (photo by gerlos)

As a student, you should be a power user as often as possible. Go beyond the first few results. Be the 2%.

Try out different searches if the first one doesn’t help. I’ve been known to make subtle changes to a search, yet get wildly different results.

Learn some of the tricks to help you get a serious search on.

And, importantly, don’t rely on Google alone. Other search engines exist. And specialist searches help you find photos, social media, Creative Commons content, people, TV broadcasts, education resources, books, among other things.

Keep on searching. Don’t be too quick to give up. You never know what’s just around the corner.

On Saying ‘Sorry’

When I read the headline that Nick Clegg had apologised over the Liberal Democrat tuition fees pledge, I shrugged. It’s nothing new.

I did wonder “Why now?” and found that the Lib Dem Conference is coming. Clegg’s video apology is a party political broadcast solely dedicated to when they made the pledge to vote against any type of tuition fees rise, under any circumstances.

It didn’t take long for an ‘honest’ subtitled version of the video to emerge. There’s even an auto-tune mix of Clegg’s broadcast.

While much of the Twitter response and online comments have decided not to play along with the apology, there has clearly been some playing along for laughs.

You don’t get to see many MPs saying a very direct ‘sorry’. Nevertheless, it’s unlikely that many policy wonks, student leaders and HE staff will give it time of day.

The video wasn’t made for those of us more involved, though. These things are produced in order to cover a wider public whose interest hasn’t strayed much beyond what’s in the papers and on the news. Helen Lewis in the New Statesman says, “Making the video is a bold move from Clegg”.

Will it be enough to soften up some people and bring a renewed optimism to some of the public? The reaction so far suggests it might not. And while it’s hardly scientific (and probably still not looking at a wide enough cross-section of the public), there are nearly three YouTube dislikes for every one like on Clegg’s apology video (at time of writing, 392 likes, 1027 dislikes).

NUS President, Liam Burns, said that Clegg should apologise for breaking the pledge, not making it. Clegg expressed regret in the past for having made the pledge. Has there been any regret in having broken it?

Clegg’s move is an attempt to draw a line under an issue that already had a line drawn under it many moons ago. This apology doesn’t do anything new. Votes were cast, the choices were made, the game was changed, and the situation is playing out as we speak.

That situation continues to change and we’re bound to see more policy tweaks ongoing. Think of it as the policy equivalent of the credit crunch. If enough people make enough changes and they all impact on each other, the resulting confusion will ensure that nobody knows what’s going on where, how everything is linked any more, or how to get back on track.

Clegg’s apology video is not a change in policy. Neither does it put matters in a new perspective. For a view of Clegg’s position when the tuition fees issue was still fresh, look no further than William Cullerne Bown’s assessment from 2010.

‘Sorry’ seems to be the hardest word…And for many students, ‘Apology accepted’ may be the hardest reply.